NINE'S FAIRYTALE PLAN

By Andrew Pelechaty

Channel Nine's preparation for Sunday's NRL grand final has been revealed.

Swayed by the romance of Cronulla's possible maiden premiership, Nine's Head of Sport had demanded the commentary team be as shamelessly biased towards the Sharks as possible.

"Mate, it's been crazy," said one anonymous production assistant. "They've had Rabbi locked in the booth all week, recording inspirational monologues over the Sharks' highlights package. Gus has barricaded himself in the video room, desperately trying to get the perfect pre-game talk to fire up the Sharks. Plus, any commentator who mentions the Storm on Sunday won't be coming back next year."

To ensure Nine's favouritism isn't lost on the target audience, Rabbits, Sterlo, Yvonne, Wally, Freddy, Gus and Joey will wear special sky blue, white and black suits.

"You can never be too subtle. People who watch our network also find The Block entertaining!"

The bigwigs aren't worried that ignoring the Storm will alienate Victorians, preferring to pander to a captive NSW audience.

"Please, the Nine boys in Melbourne don't give two s***s about the footy! They'll do what they always do; show some old movies then stick the grand final on at midnight."

It could have been a lot worse for Nine.

"Thank f*** Canberra didn't make it, otherwise we'd have to digitally remove the Raiders players so our ratings don't plummet to SBS levels. Watching the Sharks play a bunch of invisible opponents would have been too ridiculous!"